Black Lives DO Matter

I've sat on this and sat on it, thinking about what I'd say. And over the past couple of weeks, my thoughts have actually changed. Not dramatically, but none the less, changed. My heart bleeds for the family of George Floyd. This tragedy should have never happened. I think that we all have gotten so comfortable that we haven't seen what we needed to see until now. We need to feel uncomfortable. We need to have those uncomfortable conversations. We need to deal with this head on and direct if there is to be ANY kind of social or civil change in this country.

I was one of those that would shout back (of course, I didn't really shout, but I thought) ALL LIVES MATTER, when I saw people carrying signs that said BLACK LIVES MATTER.

                                                 

 But then, my son, my wise, college son, sent me a tictoc one day that explained what that statement actually means. And I don't think white people really get it. I know I didn't until I saw that video and listened to my son. I have family and friends that rally back, ALL LIVES MATTER, when they see the sign BLACK LIVES MATTER. And they are not racist, they are caring people who are concerned about what is happening to black people around the world, just like black people are. But they don't get the meaning. Saying BLACK LIVES MATTER doesn't mean that other lives don't matter. It means that black lives are the ones in danger right now. Not white lives, or brown lives, or red lives, or any other lives, for the most part. Black people's lives are the ones who are being taken and sometimes for no other reason than hate. As the tictoc video explained, if we were trying to help an endangered animal species, we wouldn't go around holding up signs that said, ALL ANIMAL LIVES MATTER.
                   
We would say that ALL EAGLES LIVES MATTER or ALL WOLVES LIVES MATTER. Right? Well, that's what the BLACK LIVES MATTER movement means. And I understand that now and will shout it from the rooftops.

I want to plead with people not to generalize, to look for the good in people. God created us in His image. That means that all people are generally good. Some, you have to look a bit deeper than others, but the good is in there somewhere. We need to stop judging by the color of someone's skin, their religion, the number of tattoos that have, or the style of their hair. Those things don't "make the person". What's in their heart does. Not all white people are racist, not all cops are bad. The old saying, "One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch" is true.

                                                                           
The actions of bad people sometimes give their face, profession, lifestyle a bad name.  It's so sad that a death like George Floyd, has to happen to get people rallying and looking into themselves at the kind of person they are. It's sad that something like a senseless killing has to happen to make people change their way of thinking.

I pray for the future of our country. All of us have a dream, just like Dr. ML King, that one day our country will live in harmony and look at each other as fellow human beings who live on this planet, trying to survive their jobs, and marriages, and problems. That we are all working towards common goals, to be happy, to be accepted, and to be loved.

These Challenging Days

The days are long and for some people, unbearable. Who would have thought the year 2020 would bring a pandemic of this magnitude. It IS hard, but it doesn't have to be unbearable. The characteristic in humans that binds us all together is the crucial need for companionship and social interactions. We were not made to be alone. We all need physical touch and the need to feel wanted and useful.

In the days ahead, try to make phone calls with loved ones. Write letters. Before the pandemic started, I made a vow to myself to write a letter to one family member or friend each week starting the first Sunday of January. I get such enjoyment out of sitting down and putting my feelings down on paper for the family or friend I am writing to.

This can be a time to re-evaluate your life and what is important to you. Some people have lost their jobs. Some will have to find something else quickly in order to pay bills. But others might have time on their side, being able to look at what kind of job they actually want and are passionate about. This can be an exciting time to learn about things that you've always wondered about or questioned. You could take an online class or two. Read that all-American novel that you've always wanted to read. Pick up a hobby. Start gardening or baking. Look on YouTube and find out how to crochet an afghan.

This can be a detriment or a chance in a lifetime. Look at the positive side. Yes, people are dying. That is a reality. A horrible reality. It IS serious. But we all have a choice as to how we handle things. Life throws us punches daily and how we react to them and what we bring out of it, tells the person we are.

So, stay inside and follow the rules during this difficult time. But stay in contact with people as much as you can through computers, telephones, letters, or yelling across the street. Come out of this pandemic better for having lived through it. We will make it through and I have a feeling that there will be some new habits, hobbies, and ways of life forming after this is all over.

Stay safe.

Hello! I know I have been gone for a while but...I'm baaacck 😊. Life has dealt some challenging hands these past few years, especially within the last year. I quit my job that I had been at for about 8 years.

I had become absolutely miserable and finally decided that enough was enough. Life was too short to spend the majority of my waking hours at a job I hated. I was having stomach issues and visiting the doctor pretty regularly.

Thinking back, I probably should have prepared better, financially. But, my health overrode any plans that I should have made prior to quitting. My husband wasn't too thrilled but I am bound and determined to turn this decision into something good and make my husband proud of me. I am currently working on an e-book that I'm very excited about. Hopefully, it will be ready in a couple of months. I'm working hard to achieve my goals.

The picture above is how I feel most of the time. And I'm sure a lot of you are in the same position whether you have a full-time job or not. Working full time at a 9-5 job just makes time even more precious. If you have family and kids, there doesn't seem to be enough time. You juggle kids' activities, dinner, house cleaning, family, errands, budgeting, writing, sleep and, if you're not to worn out by the end of the day, a little time for yourself.

My goal with this blog is to post once a week. At least, from the start. Sometimes, I'll post advice or opinions on writing. Sometimes, I'll be a bit more personal. I want you enjoy visiting my blog. I want us to be friends and get to know each other. I will have an email list/subscription for you to sign up for.

Debut Book

Well, I finally did it!! My debut book is out. For those of you who are already published, you know the feeling. I was both excited and scared to death to make that final decision and actually press the "Save and Publish" button. I am scared that people won't like the book or not even purchase it. And I realize these are all normal feelings for authors. We are a different breed; willing to put all our inter most thoughts on paper (even the dark and scary ones) and then sit back and worry about what people will think. I know, it sounds ridiculous but that's the way we are.

So, it's out. This is a young readers book. It was actually born through my husband. He started telling a 3-day bedtime story to my two boys about 3-4 years ago. I got in on the last half of it one night and thought it would make a good story. I had written little snippets until then but hadn't actually put together a real live story that I could eventually think of as my own. When I had finished, I had put my own little spin and twist on it and my husband and boys were very excited, already thinking in the future of how to write 2 or 3 more books and build on the continuation of "Rasafrats".

I will be writing a continuation to this first book. Not sure how many will be in the series but I know there will be at least two. So, be on the look out for No. 2. Hopefully, it will be ready after the first of the year. Please check out the book and leave a review. As I am a new author and I can use the encouragement AND the criticism. Even though I may have thin skin now, I'm working on thickening it up; definitely a needed characteristic for an author ('smile'). Hope you enjoy it and be sure and leave a review on Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MNSWYVU

Fully Trapped Inside

Here is the full story, by several requests -

Day - 3,742

            Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep. It’s constant, like a hammer methodically driving a nail through a wooden board. Loud. I can feel the beat of it pulsing through my body. Has this been going on for days? Beep…Beep…Beep. I feel like it has. It’s so loud. But where is it coming from? I can’t see it. Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep. Everything is dark. Will someone please turn on the lights? Beep…Beep…Beep. Please. Someone. I can’t see anything. Can anyone hear me? Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep. Is anyone there?

            “Hello, Ms. Patrick. And how are we feeling today? It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is so bright, shining through the windows this morning. Oh, and someone brought you flowers, I see.” Ouch! Hey, watch it! That’s my arm. Well, I think it’s my arm. I can’t see anything. Will you please turn on the lights, whoever you are? Please!

            “There. All done. Just had to take some blood again today and make sure everything still looks right.” Still looks right? What do you mean? Who are you? Where am I? What is this place? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN ON THE LIGHTS! I wait for a few seconds and hear nothing. I sense the feeling that someone is still here. Wait. Hey, are you still here? Can you hear me? Please help me. I can’t see and…I’m afraid.

            Someone touches my hand. It’s warm. Their hand is soft but strong. They squeeze mine softly. “Oh, honey. I wish you could hear me and see everything around you.”

            But I CAN hear you and…well, I can’t see you but I know you’re there. Please help me. Why can’t I see you? What’s going on?

            “I think you’ve got some visitors coming in again today. There aren’t as many as there used to be but they still come straggling in every once in a while to say hi and see how you’re doing. I think they all miss you terribly.” I hear her pause for a second and then she squeezes my hand again. I’m here! Can’t you hear me? I try to squeeze my hand in hers. Can you feel that? I’m squeezing. I’m squeezing! Slowly she lets go of my hand and the warmth is gone. Wait! Come back! Don’t leave! Please don’t leave! Wait! Don’t…CLICK!

            What was that? Was that a door? Is anyone still here? Silence. Beep…Beep…Beep. What is happening to me? Please God? Where am I? My eyes are getting heavy and suddenly I feel sleepy again. What time is it? Is it day or night. My eyelids close slowly but I’m not sleepy. No, please, I don’t want to go to sleep. I have too many ques…tions…please…help…me…

My eyes fall closed and I drift off into a long slumber. I dream. The traffic is rushing by. I’m happy. My window is down in the car, my brand new car I just got for my birthday. I can feel the wind blowing my hair. It’s warm. I’m happy; so happy. I’m on my way to meet someone, I think its Travis, my boyfriend. No wonder I’m happy. He’s the best boyfriend any girl could ever have. I continue to drive, watching the trees and sites speed by my window. I reach down for my phone to check messages. I realize I shouldn’t be doing this but it’ll just take a minute. I was to find out if Travis is on his way. We have this big night planned. I look down for just a second; I’m sure it was just a second. CRASH!

Beep…Beep…Beep. I awake with a start. I feel like I’m jolted awake but have no idea if I moved or not. It feels like I did. Hello. Is anyone here? Is anyone in this room?

            “…I know, honey. But it’s just for a week. I’m sure Darren will understand. Don’t forget to wipe out the sink nice and neat after you’re done. And, besides, she’s your sister.”

            “Did you see that?”

            “What, honey?”

            “I could have sworn I saw Lindsay move. Did you see her move?”

            “No, I didn’t. I’m sure it was nothing. You’re tired and your eyes are probably just playing tricks on you.”

            “Yeah, you’re probably right, Mom.” There is a long pause. “Listen Mom, why do I need to stay up here again? We go through this every year. And it never helps? Why can’t it be another week this year? That’s the same week that Darren is going on that bike trip and I’ll have to miss it.”

            “Susan, there will be other bike trips. This is your sister we’re talking about. She needs us.”

            “No, she doesn’t! Lindsay’s never going to wake up! It’s been over ten years, Mom, for God’s sake!”

            I lay paralyzed. Ten years. Ten years since what? What happened? Who’s here? Is that you, Mom? Susan? Can you guys hear me? I’m here. Please talk to me. Please help me!

            “Susan, we don’t know that. I refuse to give up on her. So many people have but I’m not going to and I’m not going to let you either. When she DOES wake up, I want to make sure her family is around her and that she knows we stood by her and never gave up on her.”

            I hear something crash like something falling, or maybe something sliding across the floor. “Oh, Mom, I miss her so much. We were going to do so much together. Why did she have to go and get in a car accident? Why did this have to happen?”

            Car accident? What car accident? What happened? I don’t remember a car accident? Susan, Mom, please help me. Tell me what’s going on.

            “I know, honey. I know. In a few days we’ll come back to stay for a week, I want you to read your letter to Lindsay, just like you have every year. Maybe someday it’ll make a difference.”

            “Mom, she doesn’t hear me. She’s in a coma. I’m tired of reading this to her and hoping that she hears me and will wake up!”

            But I can hear you, Susan. And I can hear Mom, too. Oh, please stay here with me and read to me. Just please don’t leave. Please. I hear some shuffling around and feel someone touch my hand. Suddenly, there is a softness on my forehead. Hey, someone just kissed my forehead. Who was it? Mom, was that you? Susan? Please stay. Don’t leave. Please.

            “Bye Lindsay, we’ll be back in a few days. It’s our yearly ritual to stay with you for a week. I love you, honey. I know you’re in there somewhere, I just know it. Please come back to us. Please.”

            I feel someone squeeze my hand. I try to squeeze back. Hey can you feel it? I’m squeezing back. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me, Mom? Mom? Please. I need you. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do or how to get back to you. I can’t see you and can’t move. Tell me what to do. Please help me!

            I hear what sounds like footsteps going away from me. Are they leaving? Hey, wait a minute! Please! Come back. I’m trying…to…wake…up. Just give me…a…chance. I can…do…it. After what seems like minutes I feel exhausted; like I’ve just swam a mile. I feel like my muscles are tense and sweat is beading up on my forehead. It’s quiet now like everyone has left. Beep…Beep…Beep. Okay, I need to figure out where I am? I must be in some sort of hospital or care center. That beeping has got to be a monitor of some sort. And I think I’m on a bed; although, I can’t move around to feel anything. But I CAN hear and I think I can smell, too. It smells…clean, like disinfectant. So, I’ve got to be in some sort of room at a healthcare facility. I’ve been in a coma for 10 years? I was in a car accident. …but how did I get in the accident? What happened? 

Day – 3,743

             Clank…Clank…Clank! “Hey, watch it, Norbert. You’ll wake the dead.”

            “Uh, Charlie, there ain’t no dead people around here. It’s a hospital, you dork.”

            “Well, uh, then you’ll wake the sleeping patients, pea brain. Hey, isn’t this the room where that girl is in the coma? I hear she’s been in it for ten frickin’ years. Is that wild or what?”

            “Yeah, that’s pretty wild, alright? Did you hear what happened to her?”

            “Well, of course I did, you numbskull. I may have just started working here but I get around. They don’t call me nosey Norbert for nothin’.”

            There is a long pause. I’m awake. What was that clanking noise? What day is it? Is anyone here? Hey, is anyone there?

            “Hey, did you see that?”

            “See what, Charlie? I didn’t see nuttin’.”

            “Right over there. I swear I saw something move.”

            “Move? Charlie, have you been hitting the sauce already this morning?”

            “No, Norbert. I thought I saw something move on that girl’s bed. I thought I did, at least. Maybe I didn’t. This is creeping me out. Let’s get the rest of the trash and get the hell outa here.”

            “Sounds good to me, Charlie. I always get nervous coming in this room anyway. It’s weird seeing someone that’s been sleepin’ for ten years.”

            “Yeah, let’s go.”

            Wait! Wait! I’m awake, Okay! I’m awake! Don’t leave. PLEASE don’t leave. Talk to me. Turn on the lights. Tell me who you are and what’s going on? Please!

            CLANK! Silence. Wait! Are you still there! Please…someone…talk to me. Beep…Beep…Beep…Oh my gosh! Will someone turn off that infernal beeping! I’m alive. I can hear. Can’t someone TALK to me?

            Swish! The sound of footsteps interrupt my thoughts and someone touches my forehead and then my right arm. I can hear them fiddling with something next to me. Maybe it’s my monitor.

            “Well, Ms. Patrick. Everything seems to be in order. The nurse will be in to give you your daily sponge bath in a few minutes. We started doing it every day a few months ago, thinking that it might help to stimulate you in some way. To tell you the truth, Lindsay, I’m out of ideas. You have baffled the doctors of this hospital, as well, as others across the country. Everything seems normal, your brain activity is normal, your eye movements seem normal, your reflexes are normal. For all intents and purposes, you look and seem like you’re just sleeping. We can’t figure it out.”

            Silence. Are you still there? I hear you and I want to wake up. Please keep talking to me. I need someone to talk to me like I can hear, like I’m normal, like I’m a person. Please keep talking.

            “Well, I have some more rounds to do this afternoon. I’ll stop back by later in the week. I do hope something changes soon. We haven’t given up hope. I want you to know that. We are still hoping for a miracle, if God still has any to give out.”

            His warm touch lingers on my hand for a moment. I try to grab at it. PLEASE…PLEASE just grab his fingers, Lindsay. You can do this! I feel like I’m sweating, like I’m tensing up so much trying to make this happen. Surely he can see this. I feel like it’s so obvious. How can he not see my hand moving?

            Suddenly, it’s gone. I hear the footsteps slowly moving away from me; the sound of the door opening and closing, and then silence again.

            I want to cry. CAN I cry? Maybe if I can cry and physically make tears, then maybe someone will see that I’m still here. But can I do it? The doctor said that everything seemed normal. But are my tear ducks normal? I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat. Mom said I could always get my way with dad because I could cry so easily. Oh, how I wish I could see them and cry on their shoulders. What I wouldn’t do to be able to have a nice, big cry right now.

            I decide that it’s not going to do me any good to feel sorry for myself. I relax (or, at least I think I’m relaxed. Maybe I’m always relaxed) and listen. There are so many sounds to listen to besides the Beep…Beep…Beep of the monitor. Maybe if I listen real carefully, I can hear something that could trigger a tear or emotion; SOMETHING!

            I lay still and listen for what seems like hours. My eyes get heavy and I drift off to sleep again. I dream. It’s the same dream. I’ve had this dream every time for as long as I can remember. Have I been dreaming this for the past ten years? I don’t know. I only remember the past few days. I’m sitting in my car, driving somewhere. I’m so happy. The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day. I’m thinking about someone. Who is it? It’s someone I like very much. Or maybe I love them? Is it Travis, my boyfriend? It’s got to be Travis. My phone buzzes and I reach for it. I look at the message and decide to respond back. It’ll only take a few seconds. I’m a good driver. I can do both. Wait, that’s not what I typed. Okay, I have to re-type that or…CRASH!

            Beep…Beep…Beep! I jolt away. I feel like I’ve leaped right off the bed. Oh my gosh! What happened? Who was I texting? I never get past this part of the dream. I’m on my phone and then everything stops.

            Swish. “Well, good evening Lindsay. How are we feeling today? I’m going to…”.

            Silence. Hey are you still here? I’m awake. Don’t go. I need to hear someone talk to me. Please!

            Swish. “Hey, Nancy, Dr. Steadson wants you as soon as you get finished with Ms. Patrick, okay.”

            “Okay, Sara. Hey, Sara, come here for a minute. I think I’m seeing things.”

            “What do you mean, Nancy?” I can hear footsteps coming closer to me and then they stop. There is pressure next to my leg like someone is leaning next to the bed or putting something on the bed next to me.

            “Well, I came in to give Lindsay her sponge bath and look at this.” There was a long pause. “Wasn’t her hand facing down the other way yesterday?”

            There was another long pause. I can hear their breathing. What are they thinking? Why are they worried about the position of my hand? Hey, who cares about my hands! Please just shake me or something and try to wake me up. I’m still here. I can hear you.

            “Well, I don’t know. I actually wasn’t in here yesterday but seems like it’s always been facing down. Ever since she’s been in the coma, her palms have faced downwards. That’s weird. Maybe a nurse or doctor moved them. Or maybe it was a relative.”

            “No, Sara, remember what the doctors said? They wanted to make sure everyone, including friends and relatives who visited Ms. Patrick, knew not to move her limbs in any way. That way, we would know if something changed.” There was silence again. I could feel them staring at me. Please, just open my eyes so I can see you. I know if you just help open my eyelids, I could see you and I’d be able to move my eyes. I know I could do that. Please.

            “Hmmm. That’s weird. Do you think she moved? Yes! Yes! I moved. I’m sure of it. Don’t you see? I’m alive in here. Please, just get the doctor. Get someone!

            “Well, I’m sure that she’s always had her palms down. I mean, you don’t forget something like that after seeing it pretty much every day for ten years.”

            “Yes, that’s true, Nancy. Do you want me to go get the doctor?”

            “Yes, if you would, please. I’ll stay with her and start her bath.”

            I hear footsteps quickly echoing away from me as the sound diminishes out the door. The door shuts with a CLICK.

            “So, Lindsay, have you been busy in here lately?” YES! YES! I’m awake. I moved. You’ve got to believe me and hear me! I’m in here. I want to wake up! “Are you in there, Lindsay? I sure would like to believe that you’ll come back to us someday.” YES! I want to come back, too. I am back! Please, just don’t leave me. I feel so alone when no one is here. I’m so scared. What if I never wake up? What if they shut off all the machines and think I’m dead. Would they pull the plug? I don’t even know if I’m breathing on my own. Do I have anything down my throat? I can’t tell. I can’t swallow. Maybe if I try real hard. REALLY…hard. It hurts so much. Am I doing it? Am I swallowing? This is exhausting. I can’t tell if anyone is even seeing anything. Hello! Can you see me?

            Swish. “It looks like to me that…” That what? THAT WHAT? Don’t stop. Please talk to me. What were you going to say?

            “Dr. Johnson is going to stop by in just a few minutes. He’s with a patient right now just down the hall. Nancy, what’s wrong? What happened?”

            There is silence. What? What’s going on? Will someone please say something? What happened?

            “Sara, I swear I just saw Lindsay’s neck move?”

            “What do you mean, you saw her neck move?”

            “I think I saw her neck move, like she was trying to say something or swallow. I was moving the water over here and was just about to wash her arms and out of the corner of my eye, I SWEAR I saw something move around her throat somewhere.”

            “Are you sure, Nancy? Are you really sure. I mean, maybe you’re just hoping so much that we’ll see some sort of sign, that your eyes are just playing tricks on you.”

            “No, I’m sure I…” YES! YES! My throat did move. I KNEW I could do it. Yes, I swallowed. See, you DID see me. I am alive and I’m in here. Please don’t leave. Please believe that I’m in here and can hear you. Please don’t leave.

            “…want to see her improve, Sara. But I’m sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I KNOW I saw something move. Do you think she can hear us? Do you think she’s still with us in there somewhere?”

            “Oh, Nancy. That would be a miracle. I sure hope so. Let’s wait until the doctor comes in and see what he says.”

            Swish. I can hear heavy footsteps clomping towards me. “Okay, Ms. Stanley, what’s this all about?” Whoever this is sounds really annoyed. Okay, bub. So, if I’m moving my throat trying to show you all that I’m still alive in here, you need to listen to these nurses and do some tests. Sorry if I’m keeping you from a golf game or something but I’m really getting impatient. Do some tests or something!

            “Well, doctor, I was getting ready to give Ms. Patrick her sponge bath and could have sworn that I saw her throat move, like she was trying to swallow or something.”

            “Are you sure? This is pretty big, Ms. Stanley. You’re sure you’re not just imagining it?”

            “Well, I don’t think so. I’m about as sure as I can be. And, when I first came in, I noticed that the palm of her right hand was facing upwards when it’s always faced down. For ten years, her palms have faced down right by her sides.”

            There is silence. I can feel someone lean up against me. There is the smell of spearmint. He must be standing right over me. I can feel his breath on my face. Suddenly, there is a cold touch to my eyelid. It’s pulling open. Hey, wait. Don’t pull. That hurts. Wait a minute! Turn off that bright light. I can hardly see. What are you trying to do, blind me! I feel pulling on my other eyelid and…there’s that bright light again. What are you doing? Then darkness again. Wait a minute! Wait a minute. I know what you’re doing. Did you see my eyes move? Do you think I’m all right? Don’t go. Wait a minute!

            “Well, her eyes show good response but I didn’t see anything moving out of the ordinary. Nothing seems to have changed. Keep an eye on her and I’ll stop by first thing in the morning.

            I hear footsteps moving away from me and then lingering for a while. Then the CLICK of the door penetrates my ears. Wait! Please don’t go. Come try again. I’m sure that I can make my eyes move. Please! I know I can do it. Just give me another chance. Please. Silence. Is anyone still here? Hello? Silence.

            My eyes are getting heavy again. Crap! They must have put…something in…my IV…. But I’m…not…sleepy….

            I can feel the wind blowing through my hair. It feels so good. I’m so happy but something is tugging at me. Something is wrong. My phone dings with it’s usually sound when I get a text. I hesitate to answer but reach over to pick it up. I don’t know why I’m afraid. Something is wrong but I still feel so happy and excited. Why am I afraid? I reach over but my phone has slid out of my reach. CRASH!

Day 3,744

 Beep…Beep…Beep. Silence. I lay still. Or am I still? I can’t tell. It seems like I jump completely out of bed when I wake from my dreams but apparently I don’t, since the doctors and nurses don’t seem to notice much of a difference. I do wish someone would come in and talk to me. What time is it? I’ve gotten so used to the beeping of the monitor, I don’t even notice it anymore. Is that good or bad? Probably bad. I wonder what time it is. Is the sun out? Is it day or night?

Swish. Footsteps. Yay, someone is here. Hello! Who are you? Can you please help me to wake up? Hello! Please talk to me. The footsteps fade back out of my room. Wait! Don’t leave! Please!

Swish. “Come here, Doctor. Look. See. What do you think that means?”

What? What are you talking about? What does WHAT mean? Someone say something.

“Hmmm…Well, I don’t know. It’s the most movement we’ve seen in her in ten years. Maybe there is still hope. I’ll go phone the doctor who is in charge of her case. Can you stay with her for a few minutes, nurse?”

“Yes, doctor, I’ll stay right here.”

“I’ll be right back.” I hear footsteps heading away from me and then a ‘Swish’ and a ‘Click’ as the door opens and closes. Wait! What movement? What did I move? Wait! Come back. I need to know.

I feel a warm touch on my arm as a soft voice speaks to me. “Oh, Lindsay. I do hope this is a sign that you’re trying to come back to us.” I am trying to come back to you. I’m trying as hard as I can. Please, believe me. Click. Click. New sounds feel my ears. I can tell that she’s still near. I can hear her breathing. Please don’t leave me. Please.

There is a warm touch on my arm again. And then something dry and smooth touches my cheek. “Oh honey, you ARE in there somewhere, aren’t you.” She wipes my cheek again. Tears. I can feel a tear trickle down my cheek.

Please help me. Please. I want to wake up. I want to remember what happened. I can still feel her next to me. Thank you for staying. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you.

She wipes my face again with what I can only assume to be a tissue of some kind. “Oh Lindsay, it’s going to be all right. You’re going to be all right. We’re going to help you get through this.”

Swish. Footsteps again. They’re heavier and unfamiliar. “Hello Dr. Jacobs. There has been some recent breakthroughs with Lindsay’s case. Look.” There is silence while I sense that someone is standing over my bed looking down at me. Someone tugs on my eyelid and there is that bright light again.

“Has she been crying?”

“Yes, Doctor. That’s another thing I wanted to tell you. After Dr. Johnson left, I stood next to her, talking and before I knew it, a tear slowly rolled down her cheek and then another and another. And, when I first came in this morning, I noticed that her hand was tightened up in a fist grabbing onto her blanket. See.” There is a long pause. “AND, when I was getting ready to give her a sponge bath earlier, I thought I saw her throat move.”

There is silence. I can feel someone touch my hand. The warmth from the hand lingers there. Is my hand still formed in a fist? I can’t feel it. I can’t tell. Will someone tell me if it’s in a fist or not? Hello! The hand touching mine closes over my fist. I can feel pressure. Ouch! Watch it! That hurts!

“She sure does have a firm grip on that blanket but I think I can release her fingers if I move them very slowly.”

“Be careful, Doctor.” The hand is holding mine firmly. I can feel something wrapping around one of my fingers. Is it the doctor’s fingers? He is pulling so hard. The pain is intense. I must have really had a grasp on the blanket, like they said. But I’m feeling some relief. It’s like a good stretch for your fingers. I wonder why I had such a death grip on the blanket. What was I thinking about? I pause to remember. What could have caused me to be so tense? Then it dawns on me…my dream. I was dreaming the same dream I’ve had for the past several nights. But I never get to the end. I never see what happens.

“There. They are relaxed now. Boy, she had a good grip on the blanket. I wonder what she was thinking about.”

“I don’t know, Doctor. What do you think is happening?”

“Well, Nancy, I’m not sure. But I’d say that she’s trying to come out of this coma. Or, at least, it sure looks like it. Something is going to have to trigger it some more. Does she have any family coming in today or in the next few days?”

“Well, her family is coming to stay for a week in just a few days. But I may be able to see if her mom and sister could stop by today or tomorrow. Her father is still overseas working on a job for the government. He’s not supposed to get back in for another day or so. And she has friends pop in every once in a while but it’s sporadic.”

“Well, see if you can get a hold of her mom. They need to come in here as soon as possible. See if they can talk to her and maybe trigger something that will help aid in her coming out of this.”

“Okay, I’ll call her right now.” The footsteps fade out of my room and suddenly I’m alone with the silence and Beep…Beep…Beep of the monitor. Oh, mom, dad…I miss you guys so much. I just want to see your faces right now. Please get a hold of them so they can come help me. Please.

The silence is deafening. All I can hear is that crazy beeping sound and an occasional click. I’m not sure what that is but it’s coming from behind my head. Probably something having to do with monitoring my vitals. My vitals are fine! I can tell you that…if I’d just wake up. I continue to lay still. Of course, what else can I do, but lay STILL. Maybe I can try and move my hand again. Or my feet. Can I feel my feet?…Yes, I can! I can feel the covers over them. There is something tight that keeps swelling and tightening around my legs. What is that? It tightens for a few seconds and then releases and I can feel the blood circulating back into my legs. I guess that’s a good sign that I can feel my legs, isn’t it?

I lay trying to move my hands and feet for what seems like hours. I begin to get drowsy. Before I know it I’ve fallen asleep and drifted back into my car, driving down the street. I’m alone but so happy. It a celebration of some sort. What am I celebrating? Oh, I know, it’s my boyfriends’ and my anniversary. We’ve been dating for six months now. We’re so happy. I’m supposed to be meeting him at our favorite restaurant. I look at my watch. He should be there by now. I’m running a little late, as usual.

My phone dings with a text message. I reach over to get it but it’s slid out of my reach. I look back at the traffic in front of me and then reach across the seat to find it. I swerve to the left. Oh…got it! I push the ‘Message’ button and see a waiting text message from my boyfriend, Travis. I look up at traffic. It’s a busy road but there is a stop light ahead so I start to slow down. I start reading the message. ’Hey sweet thing. I’ll see you in a few minutes. Running a little late. Love you!’

I look up and realize I’ve crossed the center line of traffic. I swerve back into my lane and clutch my phone tighter. I look down and push ‘Reply’. I begin to answer the text message and my phone dings again with another incoming message. I scroll back and look and it’s another one from Travis. I smile. He loves me so much, I think to myself. I start to read the text. ‘Hey baby. Miss u. Gonna beat u 2 our spot. I can see u’. CRASH!

I wake up feeling tenser than ever. I can feel my hands balling up in fists holding my blanket. Something wet rolls down the side of my face. Is it a tear or sweat? I feel like I’ve ran a marathon. I’m drained. I lay thinking for minutes about what I just dreamed. It doesn’t make sense. Or does it? I’m so tired and exhausted. I eventually drift back to sleep.

 Day 3,745

“Mom, stop hovering over her. We’ve only been here fifteen minutes. Give her some space. She’s not going to move just because you keep staring at her. What’s that saying about a ‘watched phone’?”

“I’m sorry honey. I just can’t help it. The doctor said that she’s made progress and I just want to reach her so bad. I know she’s in there somewhere.”

Mom, is that you?…Yes, I’m here. I wait and listen. Oh, mom. I miss you so much. Please stay with me. Don’t ever leave. Please. I’m so scared. I keep dreaming about Travis and…something. I don’t know what it’s about. I don’t ever get to the end. I don’t understand. Please help me. Please talk to me.

“I know mom. Just come sit down for a while. Let her rest. The nurse said she had a fitful night’s sleep.” I hear footsteps walking away from me. No, don’t leave yet. Don’t go! “I can’t believe she’s moving her hands now, Mom. And when the nurse said that she came in and both of her hands were balled up in fists holding her blanket, it almost made me cry. Mom, I need her so bad. She’s my sister and we’ve missed out on so much together.”

“I know, honey. Maybe she’s trying to come back to us. I pray to God every day. Maybe He’s finally answering our prayers.” There is a pause and I hear footsteps but they’re in a different direction; not over towards me. Maybe to the window?

“Did you know I talked to Travis’ sister the other day?”

“No, Susan. You didn’t tell me.” There are a few seconds of silence. “How is she?”

“Well, she’s doing okay, I think. I hadn’t talked to her in a while. She was still pretty bitter until just a little while ago, you know.”

“Yes, I know.” There are footsteps in the same direction following mom’s voice. “What all did she have to say?”

“Well, she wanted to tell us that the fund in Travis’ name had surmounted to the one million dollar mark. It was pretty remarkable. They never thought it would bring in that much money. I know it doesn’t make the hurt and hole in their hearts go away but I’m sure it helps a little.” Hurt? Fund? What are you talking about? What happened to Travis? Someone, talk to me. Mom! Susan! Please! Where is Travis?

“Oh mom, I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I can’t believe ten years have gone by since that terrible night. And I can’t believe Lindsay was so stupid to be texting and driving. And after she had been on that fundraiser at school and made that big long speech about texting while driving. It’s such a waste. Didn’t she learn anything? If she were awake right now, I think I’d punch her right in the face!”

Suddenly the vision appears again. But I’m not dreaming this time. I pick up my phone and read Travis’ text, then see he’s texted me again. I swerve in my car but it doesn’t seem to distract me from seeing what message is waiting from Travis, my love, my wonderful boyfriend. He loves me and misses me. But I’ll see him in just a few minutes… Oh, no. Things are terribly wrong. It can’t be. NO! I look up from my phone and see I’ve crossed the center line again. A car is waiting at a stop light and I’m heading right towards it. The driver looks familiar. I know him. NO! NO! Please GOD! NO! Not Travis! PLEASE!… CRASH!

Everything comes to a sudden stop and all is still. Seconds later there is a lot of commotion and noise. My car. Where’s my phone? I just had it. Where’s Travis? I can’t move my legs. I can’t see. What’s happening? Where is everyone? Where am I?

I feel me clutching my blanket again. Oh Travis. I’m so sorry. This was all my fault. This was all my fault. I feel a tear slowly creep down my cheek. I can see a faint light. Is this real? Am I still here or have I gone on to the other side?

“MOM! LOOK!” Footsteps come rushing over towards me. I can see shadows. I think I see faces. Is this a dream or am I here? Mom? Susan? Is that you?

“Oh my gosh! Lindsay, honey, its momma. Can you see me?” I feel her touch my outreached hand. It’s really her. I can see her. I can see my sister, too. Susan, it’s me. I’m awake. I try to move my mouth but nothing comes out. I can’t speak. But I can see. I can see!

Mom reaches up and wipes another tear from my cheek. “Oh honey, you’ve come back. I knew you would. It’s going to be all right. YOU’RE going to be all right.”

Oh Mom, I love you. I’m so glad to see you. I can feel Susan’s hand squeeze mine as if she’s reading my thoughts. I look at her and try to smile. I’m sure that I’m not, but it feels good anyway. Another tear runs down my cheek as I try to squeeze her hand. She looks down realizing that I’ve accomplished just what I wanted to.

“Oh, sis, I’ve missed you so much. There’s so much we need to catch up on. Don’t ever leave me again, okay.”

I won’t, Susan. I promise. I love you and I love mom & dad. And I love Travis. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. If it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to work on doing whatever I can for Travis’ family. I’m so sorry Travis. I’m so very sorry. And I’m going to try and make up for the ten years I’ve lost with you all. I’ll never text and drive again, I promise.

Susan turns and runs towards the door. “Doctor! Doctor! She woke up! Lindsay woke up!"